Kemala

Ia pertama kali bertemu Ikra setahun silam. Saat itu ia harus menggantikan bos-nya menghadiri acara perayaan yang dibuat salah satu klien mereka. Di sana ia melihat Ikra dengan cemerlang menjelaskan aplikasi baru mengenai konsep kota cerdas yang memungkinkan pemerintah dan warga kota untuk berpartisipasi dalam merancang kota. Namun dari semua gemerlap itu, ia tertarik dengan cara Ikra berdiri ketika foto bersama. Ia tampak seolah tak ingin berada di sana dan jengah dengan segala perhatian itu. Kemala tahu rasa penasarannya tak pernah berakhir dengan baik, tapi ia ingin tahu.
"Selamat, presentasinya tadi menarik sekali," sapa Kemala ketika mereka berpapasan.
"Terima kasih," masih tampak tidak nyaman dengan perhatian.
"Anda terlihat seperti kontradiksi."
"Maaf, apa?"
"Presentasi Anda terlihat sangat mengagumkan. Tapi saat foto bersama Anda tampak tidak nyaman."
"Ah, tentang itu. Saya kira saya sudah berhasil menutupinya dengan baik," balas Ikra sambil tersenyum. "Well, that's who I am. Whenever I talk about my work, I feel comfortable since I am proud of what I am doing. But I do not really like the attentions that go with it. I prefer to be invisible if that makes sense. I am Ikra, by the way," ujar Ikra sambil mengulurkan tangan.
"Kemala."
"Jadi apa yang membawamu ke acara ini, Kemala?"
"You're changing your personality again. Now, you are playing your confident personality."
"Ahaha, I am so mess up, am I? I am changing my personality in a blink. But enough about me, you have not answered my question, what bring you here? And are you normally ask this question the person you've just met?" Ikra sounded amused.
"I am substituting my boss who would not able to make it here. I got bored and when I saw you, I got intrigued. And I know I should behave but you are a stranger. If I am humiliating my self, at least, I won't see you again."
"A runner aren't you? Well, I tell you what, I am willing to be the object of your curiosity, if you give me your phone number."
"Apa?"
"Lihat siapa yang sekarang berganti personality, Kemala yang ingin tahu dan tak mengenal takut dan Kemala yang suka menarik diri. Which one are you now?"

In/stability

"Up to a certain degree of instability chances for breakthrough increase, but that they start to decrease again with further increasing instability" (Raven, 2005:271)

Currently I have a weak anti-body. Being stressed out about finishing PhD and making decision about what I am going to do with my life. The situation creates a window of opportunity for others to enter my solitude life: a breakthrough. But without any certainty, it start to decrease again. So probably it is time to leave Dr. Seuss's words of wisdom:

“We are all a little weird and life’s a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.”

Maybe it is time to face the reality and not being so vague about it.

Probability

"When you tell grown-ups that you have made a new friend, they never ask you any questions about essential matters. They never say to you, “What does his voice sound like? What games does he love best? Does he collect butterflies?” Instead, they demand: “How old is he? How many brothers has he? How much does he weigh? How much money does his father make?” Only from these figures do they think they have learned anything about him." (The Little Prince, Saint-Exupery) 

As a grown-up, probably I should care about numbers; about increasing the probability. But whenever someone else approaches and I start to response, I feel like I am betraying him. So here I am, being this uncool person who starts to ask questions like 'what are you doing' and 'have you eaten yet?'

Totally uncool Yuti, totally uncool!!

Falling

"It is as if, oddly, you were waiting for someone but you didn’t know who they were until they arrived. Whether or not you were aware that there was something missing in your life, you will be when you meet the person you want." (Philips, 2013)

 If falling is about creating a rite, will a random person do the trick?

Vampire

Should I let you in?

Dia

Biarkan semua mengalir saja

Membuka hati untuk segala kemungkingan yang ada

Tak tahu kemana semua ini bermuara

Man & Woman

M : Do you like me?

W : I do not know you. I do know your writings though. And I like it.

M : So you like my writings but you do not like me?

W : I may like you if I know you as I know your writings. But then again, writing is like creating worlds. You can have many personalities in those worlds and you can still be you, the author. That's the reason why I may like your writings but dislike you as a person.

M : Do you want to know me?

W : This is quite a paradox. I like mysteries and since I do not know you very well, you are kind of a mystery for me. Once I know you, I may not like you anymore and our interactions may come to an end.

M : Is knowing similar with liking?

W : There is a possibility that knowing may end up with disliking. So the answer for your question is no. Although there is also a possibility to have the contrary result. I never manage to have a close male friend though. It always starts with a group, then one becomes closer than the others and the friendship is over.

M : Does anything has to have a reason?

W : I do not know how to answer your question about wanting to know you. I know your name, your age although not your birthday, your interest but that's about it. But then probably, that is enough since we do not interact very often anyway.

M : Do you want to be my friend?

W : I always thought friends come naturally through activities of being together. And again, I never manage to have a male friend. Since you kind of broken all the ordinaries, let's be friend and see how it goes.

Ikra

"Hi, maaf saya telat. Sudah lama menunggu?"
"Ngga kok. Saya yang datang terlalu cepat."
"Oh ...," balas Kemala sambil menarik kursi dan meletakkan tas kantornya
"Langsung dari kantor?" tanya Ikra saat Kemala sudah duduk.
"Iya, kelihatan sekali dari bawaan saya ya?" jawab Kemala sambil tersenyum.
"Ngga, tapi karena kamu belum membalas pesan saya dari tadi siang. Biasanya itu terjadi kalau kamu lagi tenggelam dalam dunia arsitekmu."
"Iya, tadi sesorean rapat untuk mempersiapkan proposal baru. Mau cerita apa atau perlu saya baca sekarang?" tanya Kemala sembari mengerlingkan matanya.
Ikra tahu ia takkan bisa marah dengan tatapan itu. "Puisi saya akan dijadikan lagu."
"Selamat ya Kra. Saya sangat senang untuk kamu," sambil meremas tangan Ikra. "Jadi kita akan pesan apa untuk merayakan?"
"Apapun yang kamu mau."
"Yeay."

Dulu ia sangat ahli dengan melakukan segala sesuatunya sendiri. Kini ia tak yakin lagi. Ia masih punya banyak mimpi tapi kini mimpi itu tampak tak lengkap tanpa senyum Kemala. Sempurna adalah ketika ia melihat Kemala tersenyum atas hal-hal kecil yang dicapainya. Ia seorang yang perfectionist dan hal itu memacunya untuk menguji batas. Kemala tidak mengubah sisi perfectionist dalam dirinya, ia hanya menambahnya dengan hal-hal kecil yang dulu tak pernah menarik minatnya. Dan dalam banyak hal mereka serupa. Kadang Kemala suka tenggelam dalam dunia menggambarnya, sedangkan ia larut dalam kode-kode pemrograman. Ketika itu terjadi, Ikra dan Kemala seperti berada dalam dunia yang berbeda. Tapi mereka selalu tahu cara untuk menemukan satu sama lain. Dan itu membuat Ikra nyaman.

Maybe

I am in love with the idea of love
Of having someone to fill in the blank space
So when we finally met
And things got uncomfortable
It was easier to runaway
To pretend all the texts do not exist
To erase you from my system
And to return to the thing I know best: solitude

Maybe ...
I am living in the fox's world
Where one can enter once they tame me
Or in the world of Arabian Night
Where relation is built on curiosity
Of being attached through riddles and mysteries

Falling

When all bets are off

Poison

Almost a day without a message from you
And I miss you
Badly

God, what did I put myself into?