Falling

Smiling with no particular reason

Blushing when someone caught me in action

And missing him

Badly

I am not sure about myself anymore

And it scared the hell out of me 

Pergilah Ke Mana Hati Membawamu

Berdiam dirilah, tetap hening, dan dengarkanlah hatimu.
Lalu ketika hati itu bicara, beranjaklah,
Dan pergilah kemana hati membawamu …
(Susanna Tamaro, Pergilah Ke Mana Hati Membawamu)

Platonic vs Romantic

There are people who you know you can reconnect despite their absence for years. Somehow taking up where you left off seems as natural as breathing. All the years vanish when your life intersect with them again. When that happen your troubles become irrelevant, you know your going to be okay since you know that your not alone.

Yesterday was one of those days. Our random conversation ended with me agreeing to do a talk for him. I am nervous and excited at the same time. I am wondering whether he still passionate about what he does or reality has hit him hard and more importantly, whether he is okay. I think what makes a re-connection works is the absence of romantic feeling. It is impossible to have casual things when you have romantic feeling for the other person. So probably, I should change my hypothesis on man and woman cannot have a platonic relation (or they may have platonic relation as long as one of them has a crush on someone else).

After All

I like you too much
After too little time
I hold back my heart's crazy rambling
The fear that I should overwhelm your smile
Frightens the spiders inside me
(Sondre Lerche, After All)

Dreams

"Why don't people's hearts tell them to continue to follow their dreams?" the boy asked the alchemist.

 "Because that's what makes a heart suffer most, and hearts don't like to suffer." (2.515-16 Al-Chemist, Coelho) 

Kemala

Ia pertama kali bertemu Ikra setahun silam. Saat itu ia harus menggantikan bos-nya menghadiri acara perayaan yang dibuat salah satu klien mereka. Di sana ia melihat Ikra dengan cemerlang menjelaskan aplikasi baru mengenai konsep kota cerdas yang memungkinkan pemerintah dan warga kota untuk berpartisipasi dalam merancang kota. Namun dari semua gemerlap itu, ia tertarik dengan cara Ikra berdiri ketika foto bersama. Ia tampak seolah tak ingin berada di sana dan jengah dengan segala perhatian itu. Kemala tahu rasa penasarannya tak pernah berakhir dengan baik, tapi ia ingin tahu.
"Selamat, presentasinya tadi menarik sekali," sapa Kemala ketika mereka berpapasan.
"Terima kasih," masih tampak tidak nyaman dengan perhatian.
"Anda terlihat seperti kontradiksi."
"Maaf, apa?"
"Presentasi Anda terlihat sangat mengagumkan. Tapi saat foto bersama Anda tampak tidak nyaman."
"Ah, tentang itu. Saya kira saya sudah berhasil menutupinya dengan baik," balas Ikra sambil tersenyum. "Well, that's who I am. Whenever I talk about my work, I feel comfortable since I am proud of what I am doing. But I do not really like the attentions that go with it. I prefer to be invisible if that makes sense. I am Ikra, by the way," ujar Ikra sambil mengulurkan tangan.
"Kemala."
"Jadi apa yang membawamu ke acara ini, Kemala?"
"You're changing your personality again. Now, you are playing your confident personality."
"Ahaha, I am so mess up, am I? I am changing my personality in a blink. But enough about me, you have not answered my question, what bring you here? And are you normally ask this question the person you've just met?" Ikra sounded amused.
"I am substituting my boss who would not able to make it here. I got bored and when I saw you, I got intrigued. And I know I should behave but you are a stranger. If I am humiliating my self, at least, I won't see you again."
"A runner aren't you? Well, I tell you what, I am willing to be the object of your curiosity, if you give me your phone number."
"Apa?"
"Lihat siapa yang sekarang berganti personality, Kemala yang ingin tahu dan tak mengenal takut dan Kemala yang suka menarik diri. Which one are you now?"

In/stability

"Up to a certain degree of instability chances for breakthrough increase, but that they start to decrease again with further increasing instability" (Raven, 2005:271)

Currently I have a weak anti-body. Being stressed out about finishing PhD and making decision about what I am going to do with my life. The situation creates a window of opportunity for others to enter my solitude life: a breakthrough. But without any certainty, it start to decrease again. So probably it is time to leave Dr. Seuss's words of wisdom:

“We are all a little weird and life’s a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.”

Maybe it is time to face the reality and not being so vague about it.

Probability

"When you tell grown-ups that you have made a new friend, they never ask you any questions about essential matters. They never say to you, “What does his voice sound like? What games does he love best? Does he collect butterflies?” Instead, they demand: “How old is he? How many brothers has he? How much does he weigh? How much money does his father make?” Only from these figures do they think they have learned anything about him." (The Little Prince, Saint-Exupery) 

As a grown-up, probably I should care about numbers; about increasing the probability. But whenever someone else approaches and I start to response, I feel like I am betraying him. So here I am, being this uncool person who starts to ask questions like 'what are you doing' and 'have you eaten yet?'

Totally uncool Yuti, totally uncool!!