Obsession

In a relationship, there are three elements involved: man, woman and the relationship. You can be a perfect person for yourself and the same goes for the woman as well, but if both of you are not compatible with each other, your perfections won't really matter. In imagination, you are perfect for each other since you portray the other as what you always have been looking. The absence of reality makes imagination more detached with the reality and thus, perfect. 

Obsession works in this way, you feed your brain with imagination that become less and less true. When you start to create a path to reality, you start to realize that your imagination has no resonance with what you have imagined. Maybe, for people with obsession, it is better to be hated than not to be remembered. And me with a short term memory could not even pin point what I have done to get this kind of obsession. Probably, I should stop responding text or email from strangers. The plurality of the whole thing made them nameless for me but probably not for them. 

"What makes you attract to me?" he asked. For me, it's really about space. People who confess their love tend to make everything about them. I love you, you made me happy, I spent hours thinking about you, the way your smile made me out of my mind, I could not work thinking about you. All of these reasons are about them, not me. They never asked what I want or how our life should be. Everything is about them and their minds. 

Sober

It's quite difficult to be sober when you are on a love struck period. You talk until early in the morning without really remembering the conversation. You know you are happy but could not pin point the activities that trigger the happiness. So yesterday we had a talk on how to take control of our lives again. We made a table on the positive and negative sides of what we did and tried not to pass a certain bed time limit. I think that's why people call it as falling in love, you don't really have control of what happen to yourself. And yeah, sometimes, the world becomes a blurry since what exist only your feeling towards him, nothing else matter.

Probably, the biggest downfall of being love struck is that you become vulnerable, you don't have too much control of your emotion anymore. The way he behaves influence how your emotions going to be. So currently we also try to detach ourselves, to give ourselves a sense of identity again, not got too entangled to one another. 

I never imagine having a self-control of being sober and just follow the flow can be hard. I always believe I am a human of logic, but yeah, my past has shown that logic failed when heart interfere.  

Sense of Deja Vu

"What did you do to me? Why time flies when I am with you? You are a time eater."

"Did you hack my system? Why can't I think straight when I am with you?"

Somehow these conversations gave me a sense of deja vu, a taste of familiarity to the new experience. We just talked or looked at each other in silence until he wasn't able to look at me and I lost my words, did not know how to react. I lost count on what rules we made and later on, what we dropped since it could not contain our emotions. We talk, we tease and we drive each other crazy. 

We like to make a story together. Hah, another deja vu. 

Are You Happy?

Well, that's a one million dollar question, isn't it? This article about success and happiness argues why success and happiness don't go together. I thought one of the possibles negotiation between the two is placing success as an indicator for happiness since I see many people obsess with success. After reading the article, I realize that both of them are built on opposite values. Their incompatibility is like arguing ~N is similar to N. It's impossible since when you chasing success, you always want to compete and your sense of achievement is built on how you can be special compare to other, whereas happiness is something that you achieve from inside, a sense of ignorance of other people's achievements. 

Does it mean happiness cannot go with success? For me, the question is not matter of whether it can be achieved or not but rather a question of means and ends. For people who are chasing success, a sense of 'happiness' is achieved when they get recognition of what they achieve, whereas for people who practice happiness, success is the result of being happy. If you manage to find peace from what you are doing, you are successful. I think this argument is kind of fall into an extrovert versus introvert thing 😅 Extrovert tends to find justification from outside, whereas introvert from inside. As an introvert, I find the extrovert exhausting, so this is my personal bias.

Do I hate success? I mean sure, I like to have my paper being published or able to get the first place for something. But the satisfaction does not come for the achievement but rather as a form of responsibility that come from inside. Well, at this point, I think I am walking on a thin ice since I don't like to disappoint anyone so I kind of seek justification from outside as well.

Well, I think at the end, we cannot escape from being a social creature. We somehow constantly being confronted by the social.