The Conversation

Sometimes people avoid the conversation because they afraid to hear the result ... since it may ruin the comfortable limbo, ruin the illusion of expectation and been forced to face the complicated reality.

On one hand, I always want to talk to him, to know what he's been up to, to know that he's alright and whether he was thinking about me too. On the other hand, with no certainty, I don't know whether I want to put myself into this vulnerable state. So at one point, we have to do the conversation since uncertainty and vulnerability don't sit well together. 

Falling

Enjoying the butterflies in my stomach ...

If you ask me why, probably, because he makes me feel safe and comfortable

I still don't know where this relationship will go

But he definitely makes my days brighter 

Before Sunrise

What does it feel to meet a stranger, talk one night long and probably never meet the person again? Liberating, strange, awkward? I think the more you travel the more you are able to talk with strangers. It is something that grows naturally because the awkwardness of being quite is tiresome, although sometimes you prefer to watch the scenery and let your mind wondering by its own.

I've been fascinating by stranger for quite sometime by now. I like the idea of sharing my worries with someone who does not know but are willing to listen because we shared the same value as human. Probably, that's one of the reasons why I end up being a journalist, because I want every voice to be listened. Everyone has their own story and judging someone based on your own value is not fair, because they have different histories than you.

So if I don't go beyond sharing everyday's routine, is it because of I am afraid he won't be a stranger anymore, too close for my introvert world, of loosing him because he does not feel the same way as I do, or because of our life seems very far apart?

Style

One of the things that makes a relation last is compatibility in style. Style has nothing to do with good or bad, but rather on things that make you comfortable and how these things affect other people around you.

In the new place, I am responsible to manage people and the most comfortable thing to do is by observing and asking my colleagues on what do they think are the best way. Maybe this method is not quite as efficient as a more distance, bossy method, but for a longer term I like to gain people's trust through my knowledge (and if this does not work, it means I am not the right person for that position). Maybe one of my weaknesses is to keep something that is dear to me because I believe destiny will lead me the way. I don't know.

The same thing goes for private relationship. I like to build a routine first, to get use to the other person's routine, to care for someone before falling. I guess now I am start to get use to with his text and stories. I start to worry when I don't get any news from him on a daily basis. This kind of pace suits my style rather than people who says they like me without even know me. But again, there are many things running on my mind.

Melangkah

"I am bad at saying goodbyes ... and yet, I did it again."

Minggu terakhir di Bandung, segala perasaan berkecamuk. Sedih, excited (bersemangat?), melow, moody. I should be happy, right? Finally, I can move on from something that cannot give me certainty. But somehow remembering all those memories and meeting friends for the last time gave me uneasy feeling. This is not like I am leaving for thousand hundred miles, but still my daily life will be different. And differences call for adjustment.

Jakarta

Satu dekade telah berlalu semenjak aku bekerja di kota itu. "Aku tak mau bekerja di sana lagi," batinku. Rupanya satu dekade adalah waktu yang cukup untuk mengubah pendirian seseorang. November nanti aku akan mulai kembali di kota yang kupikir tidak bersahabat. Memasuki sebuah dunia yang mulanya juga tak pernah terpikirkan sebelumnya, jurnalistik. Satu dekade lebih di dunia akademik hingga akhirnya memilih pergi.

Pertimbangannya sederhana, jodoh itu seharusnya mudah. Kalau kampus berulang kali menolakku, sampai kapan aku harus menunggu? Pemikiran ini muncul ketika aku berbincang dengan dosenku yang sudah lebih dari 10 tahun tidak aku temui.

"Memangnya kampus ini harga mati? Buat apa menanti sesuatu yang hanya bertepuk sebelah tangan?"

Pertanyaan retorik itu seolah menegaskan semua yang sudah aku pikirkan selama ini. Kadang jika berada di zona nyaman, kau akan bertahan dan berpikir, lebih baik bersabar, ini untuk yang terakhir kalinya. Sayangnya yang terakhir kali ini menjadi suatu yang tidak berkesudahan. "Sedikit lagi, ini yang terakhir" ... "sudah sampai sini, sayang kalau tidak dilanjutkan." Kau tidak bahagia, tapi kau menguatkan diri karena berharap ini pengorbanan yang harus kau lakukan.

Well, that's bullsh*t. You just need to move on and leave all those empty promises behind.

Jadi ketika semua proses lamaran di Jakarta berjalan dengan lancar, aku memutuskan ini saatnya untuk melangkah. Untuk menutup mata atas semua ketakutan and just do a leap of faith. If you've done your prayer and asked Him for the best, you just do it.

Sederhana

Mengembalikan blog ke tema lama. Mau menampilkan komentar terakhir tapi tidak ada fungsi bawaannya, harus manual dan aku lupa bagaimana caranya. Jadi aku biarkan saja. Kadang sederhana lebih bermakna karena tidak redam oleh keriuhan gambar yang tampaknya menjadi fokus tema kontemporer sedangkan aku lebih senang bercerita. Untuk gambar aku lebih memilih instagram. Mungkin tautan nama untuk kawan juga sudah banyak yang tidak aktif. Mungkin aku akan singgah dan menghapus tautan yang sudah tak aktif.

Edit
Ternyata blog tautan kawan yang masih aktif hingga tahun 2018 tinggal satu. Yang lain terhenti hingga tahun 2016, 2012, 2008 bahkan 2005. Beberapa tautan sudah tidak aktif, entah karena hostingnya sudah tutup atau dihapus oleh pemiliknya. Bagi blog yang tidak diperbaharui waktu seolah berhenti.

Relation

"Jadi apa yang kamu cari?"
"Somebody who can complete me .."
"Come on, be serious."
"I am serious. I want someone who can protect me since I always lacking on that department, who are true to his words and appreciate little things like water falling from the sky, cats on the street, things that allow me to contemplate how small we are in this universe."
"You read too much books."
"Is reading a crime?"
"No it's not but you make the searching difficult."
"How about the last time?"
"Well, it's over. It did not work out for whatever reason and I already accept it."
"And now you are open for a new relation?"
"Yes, hypothetically. The thing is I don't know where to start and what to do."
"What about the guys?"
"That is another thing. I am bad with strangers. I always feel that I am being expected to do something that I am not able to. And I am quite good with reading emotion ... After that I use to end up with hating myself."
"Going for the traditional route?"
"Yes, I am thinking to do it again. Probably, I was not ikhlas the last time since I was expecting someone else. Maybe, I sabotage the process by being insincere."
"I hope it will work this time."
"Thanks. Whatever the result is I want to do the right thing and I believe the right process will lead to the best result whatever it is."

Tango

It takes two to tango ... if someone does not share the same interest as you, the dance will fall apart or worse, you will get hurt.

One of the hardest thing of drifting apart is to find a new attachment that works on different terms. Sometimes, you failed to see the reality since you were still acting like you used to be. You know that nothing would emerge from this but you were still enjoying the moment, refusing to see the new term. Fortunately, your partner could not meet the last relation you and he has, sharing stories.

Suddenly, you realize that you and him stand on a different term and you don't want anything to do with him anymore.

The Extra Mile

The difference between good and great is the extra mile. Doing things even when it is not requested  because you care. So when people asked why would I spent my time in the academia even without certainty, the answer is because I met people who go the extra mile for me in this institution (although mostly abroad so probably I am looking at the wrong country). One of the sweet things that my supervisor did is reading my blog and came into my office to ask whether I was okay. While the blog is meant to be public, I did not expect him to read it and to react upon it. Of course there is a relation between someone's condition and her/his progress, but usually, one's condition is her/his own responsibility. As an adult, you are expected to figure it out for yourself. So when someone breaks those walls between what should be done or what could be done, it always feels nice.

What makes people want to go for the extra mile? Being a nice person is one answer. Another answer is because you believe that things can go well if you have good intention. While the sarcastic side of me believe in the saying 'the road to hell is paved with good intention', the bright side of me believe that people tendency is to be good. So if there is an opportunity to make everything right, why not go for the extra mile? To make everyone around you happy because you can. 

I still remember in one of our first supervision meeting, my supervisors asked me what I want for my research. My answer was to understand how the world works, why people do things as they do. Both of them laugh and said, it is a never ending quest. Well, not surprisingly, they are right, after I finished my PhD, I have not figured out why things work as it is. 

Not sure where life will brings me but one thing for sure, I want to be passionate about what I am doing and go for the extra mile because I care.

De-taming

"... What does that mean-- 'tame'?" asked the Little Prince.
"It is an act too often neglected," said the fox. "It means to establish ties."
"'To establish ties'?"
"Just that," said the fox. "To me, you are still nothing more than a little boy who is just like a hundred thousand other little boys. And I have no need of you. And you, on your part, have no need of me. To you, I am nothing more than a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But if you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world..."

"What must I do, to tame you?" asked the little prince. 
"You must be very patient," replied the fox. "First you will sit down at a little distance from me--like that--in the grass. I shall look at you out of the corner of my eye, and you will say nothing. Words are the source of misunderstandings. But you will sit a little closer to me, every day..." 
The next day the little prince came back. "It would have been better to come back at the same hour," said the fox. "If, for example, you come at four o'clock in the afternoon, then at three o'clock I shall begin to be happy. I shall feel happier and happier as the hour advances. At four o'clock, I shall already be worrying and jumping about. I shall show you how happy I am! But if you come at just any time, I shall never know at what hour my heart is to be ready to greet you... One must observe the proper rites..." 

"What is a rite?" asked the little prince. "Those also are actions too often neglected," said the fox. "They are what make one day different from other days, one hour from other hours. There is a rite, for example, among my hunters. Every Thursday they dance with the village girls. So Thursday is a wonderful day for me! I can take a walk as far as the vineyards. But if the hunters danced at just any time, every day would be like every other day, and I should never have any vacation at all."

(Taken from The Little Prince, Antoine de Saint-Exupéry)

De-taming means to create a routine to detach; to get use to the idea of separation and to be stranger to one another. Similar to the idea of taming, de-taming takes time and routine.

While initially I thought total detachment is necessary to move forward, later I realized that it only kept the separation unreal. There were too many what ifs that made me wonder about what went wrong while in reality there was nothing I could do to make it right. Through de-taming, I am able to reduce the emotion and to accept the change of status of our relationship. 

Bawang

Dasar bawang,

Kau membuatku menangis lagi semalam

Pada pahit zaitun dan bawang yang menghitam

Pada rautmu ketika mencicip rasa

Pada ingatan yang menolak lupa

Introvert

One of the peculiar things of being an introvert is difficulty to invite new people to enter your life. You have a certain decency to be polite to random people but what truly matters are the ones who have capture your heart. People who have been with you through bad and good times. Having people saying 'I love you' without really knowing them thus felt strange since you have a different way of falling for someone. For you falling is about finding the right rhythm, of finding the balance that actually works for both sides, of accepting one's beauty but also their scars, of being vulnerable since falling means their pain also become yours. 

Heart

The first phase of dealing with the end of something is always the hardest. You still function somehow, but your heart like to play a trick on you. 

You go to the bookstore, electronic center and the grocery store but suddenly going alone seems to be too lonely for you. 

You already accept the result, you even start to add new color in your life, but you are not sure whether this is what you want. 

Everything seems too perfect and you are not use to perfection. Perfection does not feel human and a cold feeling start to creeping on your spine.

Maybe, this is the time for a new beginning. To find a new place and routine, to reset the self by meeting new people.

Maybe.

Ritual

The great thing about ritual is that you can live without thinking. Your body functions following a certain routine and somehow, you will survive. So when everything starts to fall apart, you wonder whether it is the familiarity that you are missing or the persons, scent or things that build the routine. You fail to distinct what really matter since your world is falling apart. Suddenly, you have to make plenty of decision to make everything right again.

So what keep a routine? I always thought feeling is the key but nowadays I think commitment is. Feeling is a necessary condition but it fails to meet the sufficient condition. You may have a strong feeling for someone but when there is no certainty about the future, your feeling starts to shatter. You still miss the ritual but somehow the familiar feeling starts to discomfort you.

Meant to Be

If things are meant to be, they should happen right?
So if things do not work out, they are simply not meant to be.

Simple logic.