The Heart

“But if you come at just any time, I shall never know at what hour my heart is to be ready to greet you.” Fox to the Little Prince, Antoine de Saint-Exupéry.

Human's mind is an interesting thing, we love to fall into a routine. Our days are being defined by how it falls into the same pattern. We start to miss things once its change. Strangely, we don't really have a control on how light or heavy the change can be. Thinking about the possibility of having no control on your heart is a scary thing. If you runaway, you can save your heart but you may loose your chance to find happiness.

So now I am just following my heart and feel miserable due to time difference.

Alchemist

“And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.” The Alchemist, Coelho.

It's been a while since I met someone who can continue a story where I left off. At some points, I was giving up in finding someone who share the same idea of being a wanderer in this universe. But then again, the Universe works it magic. I met a person who remembered details of The Alchemist. So when I wanted to express the complexity of my feeling, we could refer to different situations of what Santiago has to face during his journey. I don't know whether our intersection means something more permanent or nothing but sometimes, when you are down, you only need a small sign to convince you that you are alright, your quirkiness has a place in this mundane world. It does not matter whether the person is there for a long run or not, what matter is that on a certain period of your life, you are happy.

I always thought that life works in a continuous space. But the more I think of it, the more I think it's a discrete space, a set of events that define what we called as life. There are events in life that appear in front of you out of the blue, a random possibilities that materialize without a reason but somehow it warms your heart. Or the way you are able to move on from someone, one day you were still crying when you remembered how things went left, but the next day, the memories has no meaning to you anymore (shout out to Taylor Swift for this perfect song). In the moments like that, I really feel that we are living in a discrete life where things can be switch on and off.

This realization makes me become more grateful of what I have. Living in the moment instead of thinking what I did wrong or what the future may lead. Be nice, doing the right thing and allowing my self to be surprised.

The Body

On June 17th, 2020 I went to a clinic to check on a constant pain that I felt on my stomach. I had a mixed feeling for the whole journey. Scared, not really sure how the system works, fear that I had serious illness and other worst possibilities. Luckily, when I contacted my friend asking how to deal with the health system in Singapore, she offered to accompany me, so one less problem to deal with. The whole process went quite fast, from diagnose until the decision to do surgery. The next day, the doctors came to check on me and she said that the surgery went well and if my body could function after total anesthesia, I could go home.

Having an operation creates a strange relationship between me and my body. There are part of me that I have no control on. It still feels strange to touch the scar and there are still some moves that I can not do without creating pain. I am healing, physically and mentally. I think mentally, this whole experience makes me reflect on the presence of important people in my life and moreover, what I considered as important.

Not Meant to Be

Sometimes not meant to be means that both of you share the same attraction but the timing is not right. You are attached to a commitment you cannot break easily and the other one could not adjust the timing for your own sake since it attached to his network as well. Your intersection with one another leave an understanding of you don't belong together despite the instant attraction. But this is life, you cannot always get what you want (or I simply over thinking things) and sometimes commitment is better than attraction. You can get bored with something but what makes things run is your commitment.

Attraction and the right moment appear at any scale of life. This time is about work, some other time, it may be about a person. Things are meant to be when every thing falls on the right moment. If it is a human relationship, meant to be refers to sharing the same stage of life. Each of you wants the same thing and places it as their priority. If it is work related, the moment appears in front you when you are not attached to another commitment.

"But if you really want it, why not fight for it? Negotiate?"

If every thing can be negotiated, what does it leave for credibility? How do you want people to recognize you? An opportunist, an unreliable person? Even when people let things slide, how do you see yourself?

I think growing up means you have to be accountable to your decision.

And it's bloody difficult!!