Love Yourself First

Five months trying to make it works and one day to destroy all the effort. My track record turns from bad to terrible. I think one of the biggest in a relationship is you put the other person as a missing piece in your life. You want him to behave in a certain way and he will somehow completes you. In your mind, you think finding is the end whereas the truth is finding is a continuous process of adjusting, especially since you only know the other for a very short period. The ironic part of this relationship is that I continue to understand him better whenever we ended up in a fight. The fighting drained me, although it answers many questions that I have about him. I just realize we have different ways of expressing our feelings and these expressions are rooted in our historical upbringing. He acted nonchalantly on things that matter for me and vice versa. And I just realized this after our last big fight that ends everything.   

Sometimes, you want other person to fix you, but it will never work. Love yourself first and then your happiness will attract the right person.

Biner

Mungkin yang membuat semuanya rumit adalah karena aku menganggap hubungan sebagai fungsi biner. Ketika aku komitmen terhadap sesuatu, aku akan melakukannya sepenuh hati. Hal ini menjadi rumit ketika komitmen ini terkait dengan hal atau orang lain. Ada hal yang aku anggap biasa ternyata tidak buat orang lain. Dan pada akhirnya menjalin hubungan dengan orang lain adalah mengenai compatibility, apakah hal-hal yang aku inginkan membuatnya nyaman dan sebaliknya. Tidak ada yang benar atau salah, hanya apakah yang aku inginkan sama dengan dirinya. Apakah aku mau menginvestasikan perasaan kalau tiap kali mencoba berbicara tentang hal itu selalu dialihkan dengan topik lain.

Kepada Seorang Kawan

Dear kawan,
Bagaimana kabarmu sekarang? Sudah setahun lebih aku tak mendengar kabar darimu. Kita pernah begitu dekat tapi rupanya kita berdua kalah oleh jarak. Semenjak aku kembali, tak ada lagi kita, hanya ada kamu dengan keseharianmu dan aku yang masih mencoba mendefinisikan apa yang aku inginkan. Kadang aku masih terperangkap dengan segala perandaian, bagaimana jika aku mengambil keputusan yang berbeda, akankah kau masih menjadi bagian dari hidupku?

Kau tahu, seorang teman dekatku pernah berkata kau hanya boleh memilih satu, karir atau cinta. Aku kira dengan memilih apa yang aku lakukan sekarang, aku memilih cinta. Tapi rupanya hidup tak berjalan seperti itu, kau tak bisa mensabotase salah satu bagian hidupmu agar kau sukses di bagian lainnya. Alih-alih sukses dalam cinta, kau hanya akan membawa kegelapan pada orang-orang yang kau temui.

Karena itu, aku tidak akan lagi membatasi langkahku dengan posisi-posisi sementara agar aku bisa lebih mudah menyesuaikan diri dengan calon suamiku nanti, tapi aku akan melakukan sesuatu yang aku inginkan. Kalau memang jalannya, Allah akan membuatnya mudah.

The Conversation

Sometimes people avoid the conversation because they afraid to hear the result ... since it may ruin the comfortable limbo, ruin the illusion of expectation and been forced to face the complicated reality.

On one hand, I always want to talk to him, to know what he's been up to, to know that he's alright and whether he was thinking about me too. On the other hand, with no certainty, I don't know whether I want to put myself into this vulnerable state. So at one point, we have to do the conversation since uncertainty and vulnerability don't sit well together. 

Falling

Enjoying the butterflies in my stomach ...

If you ask me why, probably, because he makes me feel safe and comfortable

I still don't know where this relationship will go

But he definitely makes my days brighter 

Before Sunrise

What does it feel to meet a stranger, talk one night long and probably never meet the person again? Liberating, strange, awkward? I think the more you travel the more you are able to talk with strangers. It is something that grows naturally because the awkwardness of being quite is tiresome, although sometimes you prefer to watch the scenery and let your mind wondering by its own.

I've been fascinating by stranger for quite sometime by now. I like the idea of sharing my worries with someone who does not know but are willing to listen because we shared the same value as human. Probably, that's one of the reasons why I end up being a journalist, because I want every voice to be listened. Everyone has their own story and judging someone based on your own value is not fair, because they have different histories than you.

So if I don't go beyond sharing everyday's routine, is it because of I am afraid he won't be a stranger anymore, too close for my introvert world, of loosing him because he does not feel the same way as I do, or because of our life seems very far apart?

Style

One of the things that makes a relation last is compatibility in style. Style has nothing to do with good or bad, but rather on things that make you comfortable and how these things affect other people around you.

In the new place, I am responsible to manage people and the most comfortable thing to do is by observing and asking my colleagues on what do they think are the best way. Maybe this method is not quite as efficient as a more distance, bossy method, but for a longer term I like to gain people's trust through my knowledge (and if this does not work, it means I am not the right person for that position). Maybe one of my weaknesses is to keep something that is dear to me because I believe destiny will lead me the way. I don't know.

The same thing goes for private relationship. I like to build a routine first, to get use to the other person's routine, to care for someone before falling. I guess now I am start to get use to with his text and stories. I start to worry when I don't get any news from him on a daily basis. This kind of pace suits my style rather than people who says they like me without even know me. But again, there are many things running on my mind.

Melangkah

"I am bad at saying goodbyes ... and yet, I did it again."

Minggu terakhir di Bandung, segala perasaan berkecamuk. Sedih, excited (bersemangat?), melow, moody. I should be happy, right? Finally, I can move on from something that cannot give me certainty. But somehow remembering all those memories and meeting friends for the last time gave me uneasy feeling. This is not like I am leaving for thousand hundred miles, but still my daily life will be different. And differences call for adjustment.

Jakarta

Satu dekade telah berlalu semenjak aku bekerja di kota itu. "Aku tak mau bekerja di sana lagi," batinku. Rupanya satu dekade adalah waktu yang cukup untuk mengubah pendirian seseorang. November nanti aku akan mulai kembali di kota yang kupikir tidak bersahabat. Memasuki sebuah dunia yang mulanya juga tak pernah terpikirkan sebelumnya, jurnalistik. Satu dekade lebih di dunia akademik hingga akhirnya memilih pergi.

Pertimbangannya sederhana, jodoh itu seharusnya mudah. Kalau kampus berulang kali menolakku, sampai kapan aku harus menunggu? Pemikiran ini muncul ketika aku berbincang dengan dosenku yang sudah lebih dari 10 tahun tidak aku temui.

"Memangnya kampus ini harga mati? Buat apa menanti sesuatu yang hanya bertepuk sebelah tangan?"

Pertanyaan retorik itu seolah menegaskan semua yang sudah aku pikirkan selama ini. Kadang jika berada di zona nyaman, kau akan bertahan dan berpikir, lebih baik bersabar, ini untuk yang terakhir kalinya. Sayangnya yang terakhir kali ini menjadi suatu yang tidak berkesudahan. "Sedikit lagi, ini yang terakhir" ... "sudah sampai sini, sayang kalau tidak dilanjutkan." Kau tidak bahagia, tapi kau menguatkan diri karena berharap ini pengorbanan yang harus kau lakukan.

Well, that's bullsh*t. You just need to move on and leave all those empty promises behind.

Jadi ketika semua proses lamaran di Jakarta berjalan dengan lancar, aku memutuskan ini saatnya untuk melangkah. Untuk menutup mata atas semua ketakutan and just do a leap of faith. If you've done your prayer and asked Him for the best, you just do it.

Sederhana

Mengembalikan blog ke tema lama. Mau menampilkan komentar terakhir tapi tidak ada fungsi bawaannya, harus manual dan aku lupa bagaimana caranya. Jadi aku biarkan saja. Kadang sederhana lebih bermakna karena tidak redam oleh keriuhan gambar yang tampaknya menjadi fokus tema kontemporer sedangkan aku lebih senang bercerita. Untuk gambar aku lebih memilih instagram. Mungkin tautan nama untuk kawan juga sudah banyak yang tidak aktif. Mungkin aku akan singgah dan menghapus tautan yang sudah tak aktif.

Edit
Ternyata blog tautan kawan yang masih aktif hingga tahun 2018 tinggal satu. Yang lain terhenti hingga tahun 2016, 2012, 2008 bahkan 2005. Beberapa tautan sudah tidak aktif, entah karena hostingnya sudah tutup atau dihapus oleh pemiliknya. Bagi blog yang tidak diperbaharui waktu seolah berhenti.

Relation

"Jadi apa yang kamu cari?"
"Somebody who can complete me .."
"Come on, be serious."
"I am serious. I want someone who can protect me since I always lacking on that department, who are true to his words and appreciate little things like water falling from the sky, cats on the street, things that allow me to contemplate how small we are in this universe."
"You read too much books."
"Is reading a crime?"
"No it's not but you make the searching difficult."
"How about the last time?"
"Well, it's over. It did not work out for whatever reason and I already accept it."
"And now you are open for a new relation?"
"Yes, hypothetically. The thing is I don't know where to start and what to do."
"What about the guys?"
"That is another thing. I am bad with strangers. I always feel that I am being expected to do something that I am not able to. And I am quite good with reading emotion ... After that I use to end up with hating myself."
"Going for the traditional route?"
"Yes, I am thinking to do it again. Probably, I was not ikhlas the last time since I was expecting someone else. Maybe, I sabotage the process by being insincere."
"I hope it will work this time."
"Thanks. Whatever the result is I want to do the right thing and I believe the right process will lead to the best result whatever it is."