A Letter to Papa

Dear Papa,

It should be your 73rd birthday on the third of January. I could only send you Al-Fatihah and pray that Allah SWT always protect you. You don’t have to worry, I am doing fine although passing your birthday has never been easy. It’s the little things that made me miss you. Two days ago, I ate batagor with sweet soy bean and it reminded me of you since you liked to put it on almost all the dishes. 

I also remembered that when I was a little girl you used to pick me up from elementary school with bike. It’s random, really, on how memories played different fragments of the past.

My Phone Died

It started with a minor glitch. I opened Google Maps, it became unresponsive, and the phone restarted itself. After two restarts, I couldn't access the main screen and fell into a loop of the recovery menu. After hours of trying to recover without success, I accepted defeat and got myself a new phone. In the world of function, everything seems fine. But with a broken phone, memories and data go away. While I can recover some photos and contacts from the drive, some applications asked for verification and required travel to a foreign bank. Other data was lost forever.

Is losing data a good thing? Do you like looking at your old photos and remembering what happened then? Is reminiscing about old memories a good thing? Sometimes you just need to accept that things happen as they are meant to be. Losing someone or something is part of being a human, and you have to make peace with it. 

Unemployed

It's been more than a year since I had a job, and it felt strange. On the one hand, I feel happy with the opportunity it provides: trying new things (i.e. crocheting, painting, assisting events), not giving a damn about papers and deadlines. On the other hand, I was wondering whether this feeling is permanent. Am I feeling contempt, or do I see this period as a transition? And if this is a transition, what happens if nothing changes?

Untuk Papa

Papa … 

Kini senyum itu tak bisa lagi kulihat 

Kebaikan itu tak bisa lagi kudapat 

Tapi jasa papa tetap melekat 

Hangat itu tetap mendekap 

Meski kadang sedih masih merayap 

Papa … 

Kini engkau telah kembali ke Sang Pencipta 

Semoga engkau bahagia di sana 

Engkau tak perlu lagi risau tentang fana 

 Nasihat papa akan selalu menemani ananda 

Papa … 

Terima kasih atas segalanya 

Kukirimkan peluk lewat doa 

Kupinta Sang Kasih untuk senantiasa menjagamu

Tentang Kehilangan

Hari ini harusnya papa merayakan ulang tahun yang ke-71. Namun Allah SWT memiliki kehendak lain. Oktober lalu papa dipanggil pulang ke rumah terakhir. 

Apa yang harusnya aku rasakan? Lega karena papa tidak perlu kesakitan lagi setelah perjuangan setahun lalu melawan sakit jantung? Bolak balik ke rumah sakit hingga badan lebam penuh dengan tusukan jarum. Sedih karena ada banyak hal yang masih ingin dilakukan bersama? Menyesal karena mungkin ada yang seharusnya bisa dilakukan lebih baik?

Dan muncul beragam pertanyaan lain tentang hidup. Did I make the right decision? Should I do things differently? How would my life be when I become older?

Social Scientist

"What makes your writing become so slow?"

"I think I sort of loosing my sense of purpose and as you may already know, I am a person of ideas so if I don't see the meaning of it, things will become slow."

"You need to do something about it ..."

"I know, sometimes I feel bad of using people's story into research without ability to giving back. But don't you think this kind of thinking is colonial by itself, an assumption that people's need to be helped? On the other hand, is not it also ignorant to pretend that everything is okay on the ground?"

"Is that why you decide to return?"

"Yeah, that's one of the plans, although I am not sure how to create a path to go there and even if I become closer to 'them', I think I will still be 'the others' for them and at certain degree, that is something good I guess since diversity is needed to create change."

"What is this obsession with change?"

"Don't you feel the same, a lingering feeling of making things more equal?"

"Yeah, but whose lens do you use? Their lenses or thing that you think is best? And apart from this unpracticality of thinking about voices and representation, how do you want your own voice to be listened? Papers, more talks or being more outspoken?"

"I don't know."

Swab for Covid

Yesterday, I experienced my first swab test. It was not as painful as what I imagined but still uncomfortable nonetheless. I got the result for the antigen 20 minutes after I took the test and will receive the PCR result in two-three days time. Everything started when I went to a mall, which later one found to become a community cluster. To prevent the spread, the government provided a voluntary swab test for visitors of the mall. Since I went to the mall, I started to imagine the worst things, so I registered for a swab. Things became a bit complicated since I cached a cold a day before and it was categorized as a covid symptoms.   

At the swab test location, the official asked me to visit the nearest clinic. I went there, got medicine and did my swab test as well and got stay home notice until I receive my PCR result. 

So yeah, home sweet home.

Sense of Place

After moving to different places, what keep us human is a sense of belonging. A feeling of being part of something. This call becomes more urgent during the pandemic period where your movement becomes limited due to border restrictions. Sometimes you start questioning what you want in life. I think that's one of the reasons that despite everything is bright and shine now, I am still not sure about my future with him. Another long distance after a week meet up? What's the point of having that kind of relationship? On the other hand, I also haven't figured out where I want to be. What I know for sure is I want to be part of something.

These couple of weeks, I have been participating with new communities, one is Code in Place where I shared my journey with four other people and the other is a writer's community where people who want to write share their struggles and write together. I like my Code in Place peers. After the official class end, we met for a casual talk and shared our expectations. But being to many places, I became too familiar to a goodbye setting where the feeling was strong, we had a great time but now our paths won't no longer intersect with one another. That's what moving places has thought me, to be good with detachments. 

Probably, in the back of my mind, I still want to have a longer relationship, a sense of place that can give me stability. The power to paint my own room since I know the house belongs to me. Buying stuffs I want because I don't need to think about moving out. Something to call, mine. 

Routine

Entering the second period of circuit breaker. In a way, I am more use to it than earlier and it's also better since I have a better accommodation. On the other hand, how my research has shifted from field work to desk study also affected my productivity. Apparently, being on desk for too long is not really my cup of tea. While I kind of made up my data gathering by shifting offline interviews to online, I started to get fed up with online interactions. Can we just have a cup of tea and sit in silence than talking all the time? 

The bright side is I involve in a new activity: Code in Place. It's nice to distract my head with something else. I have been spending most of spare time to study a new thing and it felt nice. The best approach for me is to have simple projects, which should be solvable and challenging at the same time. I have been joining extra class as well. It's interesting to see different logics in solving a problem and how efficiency may not be the goal for the early stage.

So here is an example of what I did for last week assignment, creating a reflection. I add a twist in the assignment by creating additional filter in the reflection. And another one: the Warhol project. 

Die Hard

My mom told me that when I was a toddler, I started to walk at the age of 9 month. However, once I fell, I stopped walking until I was 11/12 month old. I have the tendency to stop doing something after a failure, either its a personal relationship or work related subject. Each time I face a conflict, I prefer to avoid it instead of solving it. As people say, old habits die hard. Probably, because I am not bad in studying, I could get away with avoiding the subject that I don't like. But it also made it hard to excel in something. I have been jumping discipline quite a lot, math, development studies, innovation science, urban studies and now, ecology. My methods also range from differential analysis, ethnography, case study, statistics, system dynamics and currently I am into big data through social network analysis and text analysis.

I like to study, but every time I face a hurdle, my natural logic sends a break function into my brain. The only thing that usually keep me going is either group pressure (i.e. in class setting, or obligation). But still, if I cannot solve a problem, I have the tendency to create a never ending loop, which lead to a broken program by forcing it stop (I give up) or dragging someone to solve it so I can make sense of it and keep on going. Learning for me is like a rubber band, if you pull it too hard, it will break, but if there is no challenge, it won't be moving. Finding the right balance between challenge and the limit break is the challenge. 

So there I am, in the Code in Place journey. I have no problem following the materials in the Ed environment provided by the course. But when I started working in Visual Studio Code, problems start to emerge. I think that's what code in the wild means, there are many unexpected variables that influence the program. And sometimes being stuck in the details of the wild can be discouraging. 

Game of Nimm

Coding is so fun!!! Where was I ages ago when I learned coding in my undergrad degree? Probably, people can change, you may be disinterested with something in a moment in your life, but you can get hook by it at another moment in your life. So yeah, this my code for a game of Nimm, where the rules are: each player can only pick one or two stones and the player who picks the last stone loose. In the code below, I play with the computer that operates on random function.

I don't know how to insert a code without making it messy, so I put the code in the form of picture. If you are interested, you can find the code in my github account here: https://github.com/Yuti-AI/Games/commit/bafda1edf14c5bea10d41c53ae7992573bf30376

After trying different environments: PyCharm, Anaconda, Spyder and Visual Studio Code, I like VSC the best. So will stay with that one until I find a better one. 

Decomposition

One of Chris' slides about decomposition, infinite time of lathering and rinsing since there is no stop command. I think ghosting works that way, you will fall into infinite iterations since you don't know what went wrong and the other person just vanished into thin air. I know it's bad but sometimes ghosting is the easiest way out, no confrontation. 

Anyway, back to coding ... After studying Karel the robot to understand the basic idea of programming (control flow, logic and decomposition), this week we move to Python. The main difference (for me) is that in this Python world, we play with more types and functions, which usually scared me. I used to be overwhelmed with different types integer, string, numeric and others, how to write and other details. But since I started the python journey by playing, I really enjoy the journey. 

 

Chris' explanation about decomposition is really beautiful. I call things as beautiful if they are logical :D I usually make my code quite long and after understanding the pattern, I make sub-blocks. But the better way to do it is to understand the problem first and then create sub-block.

Code in Place 2021

Super excited to join this course!!! I have been wanting to learn python for quite some time and until now, I kind of did it, on and off. Most of the reason I discontinued my Py learning was due to the process of understanding the 'world' of Py through different types of character i.e numeric, integer, string and others, whereas what I interested the most in coding is the logic. The Code in Place starts with exactly what I want, a robot named Karel, a beeper, 4 basic commands (move, turn_left, pick_beeper, put_beeper) and 20 conditions that I can play with when creating loops and conditions.  

 

What make Code in Place special is its energy, you can feel how Chris Piech is very passionate about teaching (and he admitted it as well in the welcome speech that he LOVES teaching) and the same energy came from all the instructors and student (12,000) that join the Code in Place journey.

I have done all my obligatory assignments, but still struggling in solving "the Fence Post Problem" when trying to solve the hospital assignment as a bonus point.

So here is my code:

def main():

    """

A code to build a hospital using 6 beepers and stop without creating a bug. Haven't succeeded yet :(

    """

    if beepers_present():

        buildhospital()

        while front_is_clear():

            findbeep()

            buildhospital()

    else:

        while front_is_clear():

            findbeep()

            buildhospital()

    

def buildhospital():

    turn_left()

    move()

    put_beeper()

    move()

    put_beeper()

    turn_right()

    move()

    put_beeper() #4,3 second tower

    turn_right()

    move()

    put_beeper() #4,2 second beeper second tower

    move()

    put_beeper()

    turn_left()

    

def findbeep():

    move()

    while no_beepers_present():

        move()

def turn_right():

    for i in range(3):

        turn_left()

if __name__ == '__main__':

    run_karel_program('HospitalKarel2.w')

While my code works perfectly in a world where the last beeper of a hospital has a space before a wall (Fig 2 below), my code breaks when it has no space (Fig 3). What a bugger!

Fig 2

Fig 3

Relationship

What does the past mean to you? If it does not affect your future, would it still matter for you? Yesterday, I tried to migrate all my data from my old to my new phone. Somehow, I couldn't synchronize WhatsApp with the back up so what I got from the app was a list of group that I joined with no personal chat at all. It freaked me out for a bit. I managed to sync all the contacts though, so that was a huge relief but I lost all the chats. I did the same thing with my email where I deleted all the sent items, which somehow deleted the correspondence that attached to the sent items as well. I was quite devastated back then since I have some letters that were super sweet in the email. The same goes for my WhatsApp chat!! But probably because this was the second time I experienced it, I became more accepting?! 

Anyhow, it was quite an interesting experience to download many apps in one night. During the years, I have downloaded many apps individually. I did not realize that I was apps dependent. At least to be able to enter public places, I need lens for QR code and then music, comic, financial services, fitbit and others. This fresh start also allowed me to detach with apps that I don't need. Reflecting on what I consider as important and what is not. 

It also makes me think about relationship. I think what made me accept the lost of my emails were the fact that people's relationship is a work. You will create new stories with the people who are close to you. Their names will start popping out again in your chat. And if it is not, then they are just not important anymore. Not because of hate but because you don't find the need to contact them again and vice versa. Being a gypsy, I experience this a lot. People start to fade away in the distance. 

When life gives you lemon

 ... make lemonade, or sell it.

Yesterday, I got an invitation to present my work in an international workshop. Of course, I freaked out laa, I am not confident to talk among my seniors who have been in the field, like forever. I accepted the invitation but for the coming week, I think I will be super nervous. They give me 10 minutes to talk. What can happen in 10 minutes? Nothing bad will happen, right?

Working in Singapore is new in many levels. I usually work in a male environment, with people older than me. In this type of environment, I usually got protection from my superior so I could get away with things that I did not like. My superior even told me once that he read my blog and said that I could always talk to him if I have a problem with work. In Singapore, the situation is quite the opposite. I am working in a female environment with people similar to my age. I was given a lot of opportunities, which were not really on my comfort zone but I know by taking them it allows me to grow. 

I am not ambitious and probably, that's the reason why I don't really worry about my life a year from now. But I think people care about me. When I got the invitation, the person said that he was being recommended by one the Deputies in an Indonesian agency. So yeah, always be nice, and the Universe will take care of you.

The Gypsy Life

I have been moving places. A lot. Sometimes, it makes me wondering where my home is. Currently, I even don't know where I am going to be a year from now. No permanent position, no specific expertise, I am a generalist, Jack of all trade, master of none. But the theory says that a generalist has the highest survival rate since they have high adaptation skill. Sometimes, I am thinking that I want to be a writer, working from home, daydreaming and creating a world out of imagination. Or increasing my coding skill so I can do some consultancy projects from home. When I started my journey, I never thought life can be so complicated. I thought I would have settled down by now. But here I am, still being a gypsy.

Day 29: Oddness

This is the final post for the break up series. I have not contacted him for two weeks and I don't have the interest to do it anymore. The memory still come and go but that happens to any other memory, it's part of life. Like yesterday, I dreamed about my life in the Netherlands and my friends there. Once your feelings are not attached anymore, the memories start to become distant as well. 

Day 29, an odd day to end an odd relationship in an odd period for an odd person. Sometimes the hardest part is not ending the real relationship but the imaginary relationship that come afterwards, alhamdulillah, I have found my peace. 

So goodbye, I hope you find your peace as well. 

Day 28: Mean

When you were thinking about what you want to find in a partner, one important thing is that you share the same value and vision. I think the biggest turning point was when I was feeling ill and he refused to see me because it would be hard for him, that's the point when I could not see a future with him. I have the tendency to put others' first and being rejected by someone who said he loved me but would not help me during one of my weakest point was simply cruel. How can you trust your life to someone who is not only not able to protect you but also cut you into pieces? I know a relationship should not make you dependent to someone else, you have your God and yourself to define what you are as a person, but when you are in a relationship, you are kind of synchronize yourself with somebody other than you, for better or for worst. 

Alhamdulillah, time has done it magic. I am in a much better state thanks to people who were there for me during the darkness. Accepting someone during their happy state is always easy, it is during difficult state you see people's true color. 

Day 26: Rejection

One of the things that break up gives to you is the feeling of being rejected. Even if you know things happened beyond your control, you still questioning your self worth. So when you started meeting new people and the person seemed to act distance, you're questioning yourself whether you want to take the same risk again. It takes two to tango, right? You cannot drag someone who is not interested. At the end, you will left shattered again since you mess politeness with being interested.

Anyway, yesterday I went to Little India for group dinner. We went to a vegetarian restaurant for soup kambing, spicy sardine and something that taste like rendang. The texture felt really like the original fish and meat. Afterwards we enjoyed a little walk in the area to taste the light as part of the Deepawali celebration and went for dessert, bean custard in a syrup. It tasted good, everything that sweet usually taste good. Blame my sweet tooth for that.

Day 25: Relationship After College

I got my brain back, so my writing speed increased to 300 percent (and yeah, deadline!). This whole episode of falling in love and falling out of love made me wondering how someone can create a relationship after college? I used to start a relationship with friendship. But after college the situation became a bit complicated since my environment was mostly married people. So how to create a comfort level and trust with somebody you just know? What is love, really?

As an analytic person, I Googled, how to fall in love and I found a research on how strangers fall in love through 36 questions and starring each other's eyes for 4 minutes straight. I don't think I will have the courage to do that though. As an introvert, the most natural interaction for me is meet in person with family, colleagues and friends. My comfort zone. The second natural thing is text since it allows me to keep distance. Only when I start to become comfortable I can do phone or video call. Even I did my complaints to company through email and text 😅 I am so bad with people! Although the irony is that I work as a social scientist, so during fieldwork I have to meet new people on regular basis.