Sunflower

How to keep my face straight
When you looked me with that smile
Our colleagues just passed by without a hey
Since me eyes were distance, locked to where you stood

"Hey," you said
The rest was blurry
As this memory will be

Expectation

“It would have been better to come back at the same hour,” said the fox. ... "If, for example, you come at four o'clock in the afternoon, then at three o'clock I shall begin to be happy. I shall feel happier and happier as the hour advances. At four o'clock, I shall already be worrying and jumping about. I shall show you how happy I am!" -- Fox to the Little Prince, Saint-Exupery.

There is a strange connection between sense of belonging and routines. Even when things feel weird, you start to miss something once it becomes part of your routine. You have the agency to do different things but you end up doing the same thing over and over because that's how you define yourself. I think that's why it is easier to accept a new person when you are younger, your movement are being shaped by the years you spent together. Once you are getting older, you have years of moving by yourself, synchronizing your steps with another may take more effort. But as time pass by, you start to wonder whether this is what you want or not.

This is the part where you create a space of expectation. You create an idea of what you want but it's still not part of your physical world. Expectation is part of an imaginary world where you mix part of the reality with what you expect to be the truth. You feel happy not because of the reality but of a hope blanket you put around the reality. The key for this expectation to last is a constant supply of part of the reality. You still need an external trigger, which is the basic ingredient for your expectation.

The question is if you are super skeptical about love, why you only allow certain people to enter, why not increasing the chance of never being alone by having parallel relationships? Apart from moral consideration, relationship takes energy i.e. memory for remembering all the details and not mixing their stories, time, emotion, so at the end, the cost for energy is higher than the risk of being alone. At the end, you have to put yourself out there and wish your brain still working until expectation and reality become saturated.   

The Social

Being in a social distancing period made me wonder about life. What I consider as important, who would I connect with during the period, why things happen as it is and what do I want to do in life. Having someone new kind of supporting the whole reflective thing. I still don't know where this relationship is going to end but for now, I am happy with the way it goes. Me being happy in a relationship is kind of rare, at least for the last two years. The social kind of aspect me to behave in a certain way, which does not really fit with my own character. I have to deal with people who talk about themselves without paying attention about my facial expression or people who do not really know what they want. There are not bad guys, they just hold the wrong piece of the puzzle, which may fit with somebody else.

As a social creature, I am what my past shapes me. As the smallest in the family, I use to have people doing things or protecting me. I remember when I was in junior high school, I had to find my socks 15 minutes before the bell ring and the whole house was being involved in finding my socks, or eraser or my homework. The situation remained until I got my PhD. Sometimes I told my supervisor that I wanted to tag along with him since I did not have anything to do at home. I also have senior professor who I consider more as an grand parents than something professional. I like to be taking care of or having someone who I can talk with about random subject.

Probably, having a degree makes me a weird one, especially when people consider man has to be above woman or because I lived quite some time abroad. Maybe, I am just being sensitive but after a while, I can really feel the difference once people know about my attribute. It becomes tiresome when people look at you for your degree and not the whole you. Well, attributes are part of your identity, but every person has more than one dimension. Herbert Marcus wrote a book called 'One-dimensional man', where he (probably) discusses about a shift in the Soviet Union to consumerism. I have not read this book, I read his other book 'Siddharta' though where he told a story about the possibility of having no expectation.

I like the idea of having no expectation. If you never hope something, you will never be disappointed. I could not be gloomier than that, right? While it does sound gloomy, practicing it in daily life is kind of liberating. I think that's how I approach my current relationship, que sera sera. I don't want to rush thing as well as forcing something that I don't want to do (i.e excepting calls from strangers or from people I am not close to).

It takes the whole past to bring me to this point, a series of events that make you, you.

PS: talking about series of events remind me of doing partial differential equation where you talking A LOT about subset and space.

Kaila

"Dimas ..."
"Eh Kaila, kok bisa ada di sini?"
"Aku lagi bantu bosku, kebetulan dia jadi salah satu penanggungjawab di seminar ini. Nice to see you again."
"Likewise, I like to catch up with you later. Sekarang aku harus beresin ini dulu," ucap Dimas sambil membawa beberapa poster.
"Sure, see you later Mas."

Kaila menarik napas lega. Ia tak tahu berapa lama ia bisa menjaga wajahnya tersenyum tanpa rasa canggung. Pertemuan terakhir mereka di Jakarta tak berjalan lancar dan sekarang mereka bertemu lagi di Paris, kota yang selalu jadi pelarian Kaila tiap kali ia penat dengan kesehariannya di Belanda.

To All the Boys I Loved Before

Living in the period of the coronavirus where everything is uncertain makes me more reflective. One of the things that I am been wondering lately is about my suck love life. Why my past relationship went from sweet to sour in a blink of an eye? What went wrong? Or why it did not work in the first place?

I have been chatting about my past love life with someone. It's nice to hear that you are not the only one who made the same mistake, runaway because you were just too damn afraid of what might happen if you decide to move forward. After years, you started to accept what happened happened. Not because you believe it happened for a good reason but because that part of reality became blurrier than before. The feeling became less strong and you were able to accept a new person in your life.

Unfortunately, welcoming people in your new life can be a bit complicated. Adjusting your life into another can be difficult especially when you include family into the equation. You hated the disagreement from both sides and at the end, the relationship started to drain all your energy. I didn't blame any party though, I have been in a position where my parents disagree with my choice and position where his parents disagree with me. So I am done with no family support relationship.

Strangely, on the second date with a new man after those breakups, my parents met the parent of the man. That was a super awkward meeting although a nice insurance that I didn't have to deal with family issue. Unfortunately, the relationship did not work out either, probably because of the distance or simply because of me.

There were people here and there, dates, chats, flirts. But at the end, you kind of getting tired with introducing yourself to new people and answering dozens how are you text.

I am also wondering whether me being here and there makes me the strange one?

Ethnography

My approach in doing ethnography is to be honest. When you ask people to share their stories, it's only fair if you do the same. The first two hours of meeting people is usually the assessment phase where each assess the other on whether one can be trusted or not. In a village, one of the assessment is family and this is where all hell broke loose. People asked why I haven't married yet and preached me about it. I don't lie, but I was really tempted to do it. The bad things about lying is that it creates more and more lies. And since I don't do it, my face usually gives away the truth. I know I need to create boundaries but boundary, creating trust with other people and my own character don't really fit together. Another possibility is to just suck it up and take it as a sign that people care about you. Need more meditation for this.

On another note about my fieldwork, I am lucky to have a Sumatra face. People consider me as their own and even a pretty one, ahahaha. There were cases where people who I interviewed got a phone call and he said he was busy talking with a pretty girl or people were talking about me. A good ego boost and a farewell to feminism.

Life is about balance after all :))

Waktu

Di suatu fragmen kehidupan, kau begitu dekat. Kau suka bercerita tentang hal-hal yang membuatmu gundah. Sebagai gantinya kau menraktirku kue atau kau akan masak untukku. Mungkin pada saat itu, aku juga membutuhkanmu. Aku butuh kedekatan itu agar aku merasa menjadi bagian dari sesuatu. Tapi begitulah waktu dan mungkin jarak, di fragmen kehidupanku yang lain, kau menjadi orang asing. Kabar yang coba kita pertahankan di momen-momen tertentu perlahan pudar hingga akhirnya tak ada lagi. 

Di suatu fragmen kehidupan, kau suka mengajakku ke tempat-tempat menarik. "Kita janjian di tempat yang ada toko buku," begitu ujarmu karena tahu aku menyukai buku. Dan mulailah kau dengan cerita-ceritamu dan masa depan yang belum pasti. Entah kenapa ketika aku kembali ke tempat-tempat yang pernah aku datangi bersamamu, aku teringat dirimu. Pikiran punya logikanya sendiri untuk memunculkan suatu fragmen dari masa lalu.

Hidup itu menarik. Di suatu waktu, hidupmu berkelindan dengan hidupnya. Tapi di waktu yang lain, kau dan dia seperti orang asing. Apa yang terjadi padanya sudah tidak mempengaruhimu lagi. Tentu saja, kau ingin yang terbaik baginya, tapi hal itu tak lagi menjadi bagian dari keseharianmu. Masalahnya tidak lagi menjadi bagian dari hidupmu lagi dan sebaliknya. Kau dan dia telah berada di semesta yang berbeda. 

Expat

I never imagine that someday I am going to be an expat. But now, here I am, being one, and love being one. When I returned to Indonesia several years ago, I thought I was going to settle down, raised a family, got a stable job and stayed in one particular place. None of the plan worked out, so here I am on the road again, not knowing where I am going to be for the coming years. 

Am I worry? Somehow, I already pass that question. I am open to what life throw at me, while trying to be grateful to whatever I have. I have stopped the what-if game long time ago, although I somehow keep making a big decision after I end my relationship with someone. The thing about place is that it gives you trace of memories. The best cure for me is to move to another place, meet new persons and kind of re-finding what I want in life.

While I am wondering what makes the people in the hiring process chose me, I am grateful to get the job. Sometimes, moving places mean you have to negotiate your comfort zone to fit in. But in this new position, I feel I can be who I am. The chemistry is great as well, I love the whole group and how we kind of try to always protect each other. Days in the office feel like a blink since it fills with laughter and fun. 

Semesta

"Apa kau harus pergi?"

"Beri aku dua tahun. Setelah itu aku akan kembali padamu."

"Bagaimana bisa kau mendahului waktu? Apakah dirimu yang nanti masih akan memiliki perasaan padaku? Akankah dirimu nanti berkhianat pada dirimu yang sekarang?"

"..."

"Kau tidak bisa menjawab bukan?"

"Kei, please."

"It makes the two of us, Bintang. I can't promise my feeling for you will be the same. I love the way you make me feel special. Being around you makes me happy. However, if you feel that my presence suffocates you, I am not sure time is the answer. The way you feel justifies that we are not meant for each other."

"Don't say that. I love you."

"But what is love, really?"

"I cannot get enough of you ..."

"Yet you choose to go away."

"To become a better person for you."

"Yeah, right."

Dua tahun berlalu sejak percakapan itu. Sejak itu aku tak pernah bertemu dengannya lagi. Ia melanjutkan sekolahnya ke Inggris, dan setahun berikutnya aku pergi Canada meninggalkan semua kenangan yang pernah ada di Indonesia. Kadang ketika kau kehilangan, sebuah kota bisa menjadi terlalu pekat dengan kenangan. Jalan-jalan yang biasa kau lalui bersama jadi terasa begitu menyedihkan. Makanan yang kau makan dan kau pinta dia habiskan jadi terasa hambar. Bagaimana mungkin kau bisa hidup di suatu tempat di mana udara dan rasa seolah meneriakkan namanya. Kau berpikir pindah kota, tapi bagaimana kau bisa menghindar dari rasa? Belum lagi kesukaan kalian yang sama. Perjalanan di toko buku maupun perpustakaan jadi seperti opera kenangan yang memekakan semua indra.

Berada di negara lain memberimu awal baru. Semua indramu mulai menyerap semua pengalaman baru. Bahasa, hawa dingin, jadwal kuliah, transportasi umum. Jalanan, makanan, aroma, semua berbeda.

Jack

" ... of all trades, master of none."

Beralih dari satu pekerjaan ke pekerjaan yang lain maupun dari satu bidang ke bidang lain membuatku memahami banyak hal, bisa beragam metode tanpa ada satu keahlian yang mendalam. Saat aku melakukan studi undergrad di bidang matematika, aku lebih aktif di kegiatan tulis menulis. Agar bisa menulis, aku banyak membaca buku-buku sosial. Mungkin karena selama SMA, aku tinggal di asrama, masa kuliah menjadi salah satu masa pencarian arti hidup. Well, mungkin kata-kata itu terlalu besar tapi yang jelas, aku jadi lebih memperhatikan ilmu sosial daripada matematika. Programming atau persamaan matematika berasa seperti sebuah kisah dari dunia lain yang relevansinya tidak berasa dengan pergolakan batin yang waktu itu aku rasakan. Apalagi dengan segala bacaan sosial saat itu, menjadi heroik seperti ikut demonstrasi dan meneriakan yell-yell perlawanan tampak menjadi hal paling relevan saat itu. Untung saja di kuliah tingkat akhir, tugas lebih banyak bersifat proyek sehingga aku lebih leluasa mengatur waktuku. Dan banyak kecupuan ngoding dimaafkan karena aku lebih baik dalam hal abstraksi dibandingkan hal detail (and look how this tendency reflects in my whole life).

Lebih dari satu setengah dekade kemudian, aku mulai tertarik kembali dengan pemrograman. Mungkin ini disebabkan oleh ketertarikanku pada pola. Orang seringkali melekatkan pola pada data kuantitatif (time series data, frequency, you name it-lah) padahal pola itu ada di semua elemen kehidupan seperti golden ratio dan behavior science. Perulangan, kecenderungan seseorang memilih sesuatu, semuanya melekat pada sejarah hidup orang tersebut. Hal ini menyebabkan aku jadi sangat sulit untuk men-judge seseorang karena perbedaan sejarah hidup aku dan orang lain yang menyebabkan nilai-nilai atau landasan orang lain dalam mengambil keputusan menjadi berbeda denganku. Who am I to judge? Mungkin ini yang membuatku susah untuk menjadi seorang bos karena aku selalu melihat semua sisi hingga pada akhirnya tidak ada yang salah. On another note, orang-orang yang ada dalam hidupku, juga banyak yang melihatku dengan cara serupa. Akibatnya, banyak orang lain yang memandang hubungan tersebut sebagai spoiled love instead of though love that is needed for someone to grow.

Kembali ke programming, sekarang aku lagi seneng dengan teks analisis. Aku lagi mencoba mengembangkan tools untuk bisa membuat kesimpulan atas semua yang aku baca. Sekurangnya, aku bikin sistem databaseku dulu pakai R. Kalau dulu aku sempat berkenalan dengan atlas.ti (sejenis NVIVO). Nah sekarang aku mau coba pakai RQDA untuk mengorganisir semua dokumen baca aku. Kayanya sekarang ini aku harus mulai belajar strategis dan efisien.

Maybe, at some points, all the things that I've learned become handy ... math, social science, models, all methods, technique ... Meanwhile, I am quite happy with where I am right now. So I am good.

Separuh

"Beri aku ruang ..."
"Kau mau sendiri?"
"Tidak, beri aku ruang untuk mencintaimu. Biarkan aku memperjuangkanmu seperti kau memperjuangkan aku ... sehingga jika salah satu diantara kita lelah, kita bisa saling menguatkan. Temui aku separuh jalan, karena aku akan berjuang untuk bisa berada di sana. Jangan kau kejar aku, tapi minta aku untuk menemuimu."
"Aku tidak mengerti."
"Aku senang ketika kau membuat rencana-rencana untuk kita. Ketika kita berjalan bersama menyusuri tempat-tempat baru. Tapi belakangan kau membuat keputusan-keputusan yang menurutmu baik untukku. Aku tersesat dengan dirimu yang sekarang. Aku tahu yang kau lakukan untuk kebaikanku, tapi aku merindukan kita yang dulu. Saat aku menantikan rencana-rencana pertemuan kita dan tidak menunggu rutinitas yang kau ciptakan untukku."

Dan tampaknya aku masih berharap menemukkan orang yang memberikan ruang untuk mencintai. Beberapa bilang sayang tanpa pernah bertemu, entah karena rupa, kata atau segala imaji lainnya. Beberapa lainnya, abai dengan segala sapa. Kalau tidak mau separuh jalan, buat apa dipertahankan.