Relationship

What does the past mean to you? If it does not affect your future, would it still matter for you? Yesterday, I tried to migrate all my data from my old to my new phone. Somehow, I couldn't synchronize WhatsApp with the back up so what I got from the app was a list of group that I joined with no personal chat at all. It freaked me out for a bit. I managed to sync all the contacts though, so that was a huge relief but I lost all the chats. I did the same thing with my email where I deleted all the sent items, which somehow deleted the correspondence that attached to the sent items as well. I was quite devastated back then since I have some letters that were super sweet in the email. The same goes for my WhatsApp chat!! But probably because this was the second time I experienced it, I became more accepting?! 

Anyhow, it was quite an interesting experience to download many apps in one night. During the years, I have downloaded many apps individually. I did not realize that I was apps dependent. At least to be able to enter public places, I need lens for QR code and then music, comic, financial services, fitbit and others. This fresh start also allowed me to detach with apps that I don't need. Reflecting on what I consider as important and what is not. 

It also makes me think about relationship. I think what made me accept the lost of my emails were the fact that people's relationship is a work. You will create new stories with the people who are close to you. Their names will start popping out again in your chat. And if it is not, then they are just not important anymore. Not because of hate but because you don't find the need to contact them again and vice versa. Being a gypsy, I experience this a lot. People start to fade away in the distance. 

When life gives you lemon

 ... make lemonade, or sell it.

Yesterday, I got an invitation to present my work in an international workshop. Of course, I freaked out laa, I am not confident to talk among my seniors who have been in the field, like forever. I accepted the invitation but for the coming week, I think I will be super nervous. They give me 10 minutes to talk. What can happen in 10 minutes? Nothing bad will happen, right?

Working in Singapore is new in many levels. I usually work in a male environment, with people older than me. In this type of environment, I usually got protection from my superior so I could get away with things that I did not like. My superior even told me once that he read my blog and said that I could always talk to him if I have a problem with work. In Singapore, the situation is quite the opposite. I am working in a female environment with people similar to my age. I was given a lot of opportunities, which were not really on my comfort zone but I know by taking them it allows me to grow. 

I am not ambitious and probably, that's the reason why I don't really worry about my life a year from now. But I think people care about me. When I got the invitation, the person said that he was being recommended by one the Deputies in an Indonesian agency. So yeah, always be nice, and the Universe will take care of you.

The Gypsy Life

I have been moving places. A lot. Sometimes, it makes me wondering where my home is. Currently, I even don't know where I am going to be a year from now. No permanent position, no specific expertise, I am a generalist, Jack of all trade, master of none. But the theory says that a generalist has the highest survival rate since they have high adaptation skill. Sometimes, I am thinking that I want to be a writer, working from home, daydreaming and creating a world out of imagination. Or increasing my coding skill so I can do some consultancy projects from home. When I started my journey, I never thought life can be so complicated. I thought I would have settled down by now. But here I am, still being a gypsy.

Day 29: Oddness

This is the final post for the break up series. I have not contacted him for two weeks and I don't have the interest to do it anymore. The memory still come and go but that happens to any other memory, it's part of life. Like yesterday, I dreamed about my life in the Netherlands and my friends there. Once your feelings are not attached anymore, the memories start to become distant as well. 

Day 29, an odd day to end an odd relationship in an odd period for an odd person. Sometimes the hardest part is not ending the real relationship but the imaginary relationship that come afterwards, alhamdulillah, I have found my peace. 

So goodbye, I hope you find your peace as well. 

Day 28: Mean

When you were thinking about what you want to find in a partner, one important thing is that you share the same value and vision. I think the biggest turning point was when I was feeling ill and he refused to see me because it would be hard for him, that's the point when I could not see a future with him. I have the tendency to put others' first and being rejected by someone who said he loved me but would not help me during one of my weakest point was simply cruel. How can you trust your life to someone who is not only not able to protect you but also cut you into pieces? I know a relationship should not make you dependent to someone else, you have your God and yourself to define what you are as a person, but when you are in a relationship, you are kind of synchronize yourself with somebody other than you, for better or for worst. 

Alhamdulillah, time has done it magic. I am in a much better state thanks to people who were there for me during the darkness. Accepting someone during their happy state is always easy, it is during difficult state you see people's true color. 

Day 26: Rejection

One of the things that break up gives to you is the feeling of being rejected. Even if you know things happened beyond your control, you still questioning your self worth. So when you started meeting new people and the person seemed to act distance, you're questioning yourself whether you want to take the same risk again. It takes two to tango, right? You cannot drag someone who is not interested. At the end, you will left shattered again since you mess politeness with being interested.

Anyway, yesterday I went to Little India for group dinner. We went to a vegetarian restaurant for soup kambing, spicy sardine and something that taste like rendang. The texture felt really like the original fish and meat. Afterwards we enjoyed a little walk in the area to taste the light as part of the Deepawali celebration and went for dessert, bean custard in a syrup. It tasted good, everything that sweet usually taste good. Blame my sweet tooth for that.

Day 25: Relationship After College

I got my brain back, so my writing speed increased to 300 percent (and yeah, deadline!). This whole episode of falling in love and falling out of love made me wondering how someone can create a relationship after college? I used to start a relationship with friendship. But after college the situation became a bit complicated since my environment was mostly married people. So how to create a comfort level and trust with somebody you just know? What is love, really?

As an analytic person, I Googled, how to fall in love and I found a research on how strangers fall in love through 36 questions and starring each other's eyes for 4 minutes straight. I don't think I will have the courage to do that though. As an introvert, the most natural interaction for me is meet in person with family, colleagues and friends. My comfort zone. The second natural thing is text since it allows me to keep distance. Only when I start to become comfortable I can do phone or video call. Even I did my complaints to company through email and text 😅 I am so bad with people! Although the irony is that I work as a social scientist, so during fieldwork I have to meet new people on regular basis. 

Day 24: Non-linearity in Breakup

Week 1: You had your closure. Both of you agreed that the relationship could not move forward. You hold on dearly on that realization and were able to no contact him. This was the toughest part of the breakup but it's good for the detox since you needed it to reduce the dependency. For me, this week is more strategical than emotional since being infatuated really work like drug, I need to cleanse my body from the drug.

Week 2: After you clean your system from the drug, your emotion started to overflow again. The good thing was you were able to shift how you see him, from lover to someone who shared a beautiful memory together but you know you could not have. The conversation went awkward, although it's better than having no contact at all. You still care about the person.

Week 3: Another round of no contact. This time went better since he has changed. He went cold on you and there was no hope left.

Week 4: You have a mixed feeling about still missing him and a new confidence to be able to move forward. 

Day 23: Love

Falling in love means you are giving part of yourself to somebody else. Your happiness becomes his and vice versa. While I start to be able to neutralize my consciousness into accepting the reality, my sub-consciousness works in a slower pace. During the relationship, I somehow develop a dopamine attachment to him. Whenever I stress out about my work, I find calmness in talking to him. So yesterday when I started to stress out about my work, all the good memories started to overflow again. Love is a scary thing. I don't know whether I am able to be that vulnerable again, giving part of my self to somebody else. 

Probably, that's why you are not suppose to have feeling before marriage in Islam. Most of the feelings come from syaithan who planted nice imaginations into your mind. Currently, I am trying to get closer to Allah SWT again, fasting, night pray and other sunnah. Probably, I need this experience since I have been lost for some time. And hopefully, my current ikhtiar will have a happy ending. 

“My heart is at ease knowing that what was meant for me will never miss me, and that what misses me was never meant for me.” Imam Al-Shafi’i 

Day 22: Me After You

Yesterday, I have been busy preparing for the housewarming party. In the morning, I went to my old house to take letters and after that my day was full with shopping, cooking, watching movie and eating, a lot of eating. It's nice to have friends and able to spend time with them in person. If there is something I learn from COVID, one of them is to be grateful of physical activities. The latter also adds a new realization on the imaginary life I had with the Knight. While I like to send him pictures to places I visited, he never did the same. Sometimes he sent me a fictional picture with no spatial attachment. The bright side, it made the process of moving on easier since we had no attachment to the reality. Sometimes I am still wondering what my life would be with him since I found him attractive, but the frequency become less.

I also met a new man. He is nice. He did not give a firework sensation but I know I can trust him. In the 'Suitable Boy' miniseries, his character resonates with Haresh, not the most dashing character but the most responsible who at the end, gets Lata's heart. 

So for the Knight, this is me accepting you letting me go, and it's time for me to letting you go as well.