Day 20: Support System

One of the critical things during the grieving period is to have a support system. I am grateful that I have that in Singapore. Friends who I could share the story with and sympathize my condition, so yeah, this Saturday we are going to have a party. Yeay!! I am not an extrovert person who like to initiate a party but when my friends asked me when they could come for a house warming party and another offered to cook the meals, I thought, why not, bring it on. 

Yesterday, my friends and I went to the town to work in Novena. It was a nice experience, travelling, went to a new place, found a praying place there, which made everything perfect. A part of my life still felt a bit crappy, sometimes the feeling of emptiness still crawling in. Knowing that someone who was once the center of my world would not be there anymore. But people come and go and that's life. There's going to be a moment where he is going to be a fragment of my life that happen to make my life as it is. 

Day 19: the Art of Grieving

I registered for a counselling two weeks ago when I felt devastated and yesterday, I was questioning myself whether I really needed it and how the process would be. But after talking to the person, I felt much better. He validated the stages I felt during the grieving process and he also asked me to be more reflective to my grieving process since I tended to approach the grieving methodically instead of giving my heart the time to heal. One of the simulations that we did yesterday was to imagine what happened if the person stand in front of me, what would I say to him. He described my condition as having a false reassurance, which has the same affect as betrayal. Shadowing the truth with an imagination, which led to my devastation.

I also asked him the best way to move forward. I explained the no contact approach I did in the early stage of my breakup, which led to explosion on the second week. And while all the YouTube videos suggested that approach, it may also suppress your emotion and make your healing process become longer. I told him that it's exactly what happened to me. At the end, getting a cold shoulder from the Knight helped to move forward. His reaction towards me has totally changed and it gave me a new reality check that what we had has passed as well.

Currently, I am off from all the apps. Somehow, the apps gave me a toxic vibe.

Day 18: Don't be Alone

Based on my own observation, I am already quite okay as long I go outside my home. The silence and not seeing somebody really messed up my mind. Killing the expectation also helps, I have been binge reading and watching about cultural differences and it helped to put everything into context. Another thing was to avoid looking for new people since it still reminded me of him, or simply because I am not in the mood to opening my self just yet. Other than that, I get my brain back. I was able to write again, my concentration was also return to normal. I lost 2 kilos, got the one kilo back, not sure I am happy with that though, ahaha. Anyway, life goes on. I am getting better with my prays, probably I have been lost for the last couple of months so this is also a good moment to calibrate myself again.

I have also been watching documentary on love scam. Some people ended by killing themselves after lost 1 million USD. Love is a scary thing, you can be blinded by it. I guess, Descartes words 'cogito ergo sum', I think therefore I am is valid, the power of mind can make or break someone. Mental health is as important as physical health.

Day 17: The Context

One of the things I do to cope with the break up was to rationalize things. Did I miss the red flag during our relationship? Did I imagining things? While I believe that our feelings were mutual, I realize that we were on a different page. I entered the relationship with the thought of conquering all the problems. This point of view was possible due to my upbringing, I have agency to make decision for my self. Woman are quite independent in my society. For him, the relationship was more his way of denying the reality he did not want. He knew that we could never be together but he did not want to admit it. 

Yesterday, I read many stories on how his society works and while he never wanted to discuss family problems with me, I could find similarities with what I read and how he was being raised and his responsibilities as the only son. Being ignorant about cultural differences made me totally blind on what I was dealing with. 

People say that you need 30 days to create a new routine. I hope I already half way through being my old self again. 

Day 16: Diversity

“O mankind! We created you from male and female and made you into nations and tribes, that ye may know each other (not that ye may despise each other). Verily, the most honoured of you in the sight of Allah is he who is the most righteous of you. And Allah has full knowledge and is fully informed.” 

(Sura Hujurat, verse 13)

I always attracted with diversity. For me, everyone has their own beautiful story. What important is  mutual understanding and a shared vision. But the more I learn about society, the more I know that diversity may also mean incompatibility at the extended networks. Thus, love at first sight and imaginary work only when you take spatio-temporal elements out of the picture. When somebody starts to doing that you better know that he is not serious since there is no attachment to reality on where you are going to life, how both families will know each other or even the basic, whether both of you want it to be real or not. 

I am still struggling to make peace with my heart. And my current approach is not helping as well. But while on the first week I was contempt with the whole process, on the second week, all the feeling started to overflow again. 

Be strong Yuti, حَسْبُنَا اللّٰهُ وَنِعْمَ الْوَكِيْلُ

Day 15: Blood is Thicker Than Water

I finished watching 'A Suitable Boy', a miniseries adopted from Vikram Seth's novel with the same title. The setting was taken in India after independence and separation from Pakistan. It is an interesting story by itself how culture, politic and religious tensions were taking place and how people were struggling in finding their identity between tradition and post-colonialism. But what made the series especially dear to me is to understand the arranged marriage culture and the role of family in deciding spouse for their children. I am still amazed how a person can married somebody else based on a single picture, no interaction, no talk and betting the rest of his or her life with the selected person. But probably, if they have the same intention, Allah SWT will make it easy for them.

I am quite amazed with how the story evolve for Lata, one of the main characters. [SPOLIER] Initially, she was in love with a Muslim guy, which would never been approved by her Hindu family. She asked Kabir, the guy to runaway with her but he refused since it's not rationally visible due to their current status as students. Lata felt disappointed with Kabir's decision and followed her mother's decision to find a 'suitable boy' for Lata. 

What I am amazed that Lata can be content with what her mother asked her to do. She could move on and fall for two other guys before deciding to marry what her mother has chosen for her. It's like all her love and desires for Kabir were nothing. I think the biggest turning point for her was when she visited Maan and he told Lata that he was being grateful for his father's love for him. That's when Lata realized that everything that her mother do was for her own sake. 

In one of my crazy scenarios, elope is one of the things that crossed my mind. But man's responsibility is for his mother and wife. Also if we do get married, his family is going to be mine as well and I won't do nothing like that to my own family. So yeah, elope is only in my mind where we can live happily in the third country.

Day 14: Root

 After felt super down on Thursday, I started to talk to him again yesterday. Our talk was on moderation, no feeling attached, or at least no words about feeling and mostly talking about how Allah SWT test us with what we love. The irony of the whole situation was that he knew how to calm me down. And I did calm down. I listened to many surah and hadits afterwards about how Allah won't test human beyond their capacity and that's how He brings us back to the right path. Watching all the videos calmed me down. While initially, I was wondering why this year many bad things happened to me, now I started to find peace in what Allah has promised to us. 

I guess the last couple of months, I was lost in my desire and hope to have someone in my life. While I have accepted that he couldn't be mine, I really hope that my future husband has a good understanding of Islam as well. He becomes my imam for my shalat and we both pray together to reach His jannah. 

Day 13: Acceptance

I broke all the how to move on rules by contacting him. Of course it was a bad decision, I return to square one directly. I still want him to be part of my life although I know it's impossible. I already accept the fact that we won't be together, so I did not say anything about miss you, like you or love you but I don't know, life is hard. 

Day 12: Sense of Identity

One of the hardest thing about break up is to find yourself again. Yesterday, I watched a video that illustrates a relationship like sticking two piece of papers together. Once you tear it up, there will be part of him that stick on you and sometimes, it will shatter the paper as well. I think the illustration was great, that's why I feel my self incomplete these days since I always shared my routine with him, took the wrong MRT, bought salad, eating cheesecake, watching cartoon and other little details. It's nice to have someone to share your life with. 

I know I have to deal with this loneliness since he has decided to left me for someone else. I kept on hoping that he would contact me but I know that there is no point since he is going to get married in 3 months. Maybe he even already start to talk to his future wife. A band aid solution to talk to him will only jeopardize my healing process. Contacting him on Monday was a huge mistake on my end. But we are human after all, sometimes we seek for the easiest route to reduce the pain even if it's not right.

May Allah guide me with peace and patience.     

Day 11: What is Love?

After contacting and got a cold reply, I was wondering whether the last months were only a dream. Was it just me who has the strong feeling towards him? I know what the ending will be but was it hard only on my end? Oh, my ego hurts. Well, I know for best, it's better to distract my mind to things rather than another human being. I don't want to hurt anyone and I have the tendency to place others' happiness first, that's why my collaboration works are more successful than my own project. I thought meeting someone who put others' first would made me safe, but apparently I was not the one he chose to protect. 

During my dates, I met people who never interact with women until college. Their marriages were mediated through people and pictures. Love comes after marriage. In that context, I can imagine that you are able to fall in love with the other person that's how you are being 'programmed' since childhood. Your first touch with a woman will start once you are legally married and you won't compare her with anyone else as well since she is exclusively for you and you for her.

Growing up in a mixed society, I could not really imagine to fall in love in that way. Would the person treat me nicely? Would he understand my quirkiness? Can he make me laugh?

Day 10: "I Contacted Him"

An anti-climax, I know, ahahaha. I thought I was able to end the whole mourning thing after the tenth day but the silence only made me crazy so when I had a coding problem, I contacted him in a professional manner. I think the early no contact had done its magic. There are some theories saying that for one year relationship, you need one month of no contact or similar to 1/12. Since I started to video call him on 11 August and we broke up on 11 October, 60/12 is equal to 5 days. Yeah, I have passed the number and based on that weird theory, I am allowed to contact him again, so I did.

Knowing that he is coping made me relieve. Although I won't be able to see him with somebody else since it will make me jealous, I pray that his next relationship will be a happy one, even without me. 

Day 9: Rebound

I thought talking to other guys would help but boy, I couldn't be more wrong. Replacing one's attention with other made me miss him even more. I could not help myself from comparing little details that he usually said. Meeting a guy with a similar past with him did not really help either. I almost cried in front of the guy when I told him about my past relationships. I think I will give my self a break from guys for these couple of weeks, allowing my self to recover before starting a new chapter. 

I kept on questioning myself why is it so hard to letting him go? Why I felt comfortable around him? I even missed how he used to say he liked my inverted commas that appear whenever I smile. I developed a new habit of looking at the mirror and looking where the inverted commas are. I am weird for loving someone who is weird. I went for the date without make up on since I was late and all I remembered was he liked to tease me by saying, "hey look, I am beautiful, I don't need to wear make up." I miss his face as well, he has a serious face when working but when we chatted, he used to give me his rare smile. 

While I passed the first with strong determination, entering the second week, I got a new urge to contact him. I am wondering how he is, why he did not contact me, am I the only miserable one? But watching a lot of breakup videos, I know I should stay strong. If he managed to move on without me, I should be able to do the same. 

Day 8: Otherness

It's been a week without him and I don't think there is going to be we anymore, or it was never even been one since the beginning. After trying to rationalize the whole process by watching about the context of marriage in his culture, I realized that he was never considered me as a possible partner simple because his society won't accept it. He never intended to bring our relationship into real life since it's not an option, while for me, I have been looking for possibilities to have an inter-countries marriage. We were on a different page of a book and I should realize it sooner. 

In sociology, the concept of otherness refers to exclusion, an idea of not taking into account the excluded person well-being simply because s/he is not part of us. We take care of 'us' but don't really think about 'them' because they are not part of us. I realize that the hard way.

I am still tempted to text him since I need the substance. But after being one week clear, I don't want to repeat the same pain as the beginning of the breakup. If he can live without me, I should be able to do the same.  

Day 7: Weekend

It was a week ago we decided to break up. In the morning, I was still texting him, sending him pictures of beach and wooden bridges that I visited with friends. We were wondering how would it feel if we walk there together, holding hands where our fingers colliding into each other, sharing a glimpse of warmth through our finger tips. I was also wondering how our first meeting would be, would I be nervous, would I able to speak after talking hours on phone. But now all those imaginations just shattered into pieces. We don't belong together and I don't think he ever think that we are able to be together since the beginning, he was just denying his future whereas, I was seriously thinking ways to be with him.

I was still tempted to text him but I always restrained myself to do it since we have no future. I don't want to fall into another heartbreak although I still miss him. I slept well, back to my sleeping beauty pattern and my appetite has returned. What I miss is to have someone to share my day with and his smile. 

Things that help: I have been kind to myself, not too ambitious to finish my work, binge watching serials on Netflix and allowing myself to feel the whole experience.  

Day 6: Relativity

These last couple of days, time run slowly, whereas my months with him went like a blink of an eye. It's weird how we are able to create a space for the two of us where time just went by like that. Our video calls also worked in that way, every time we targeted to take a small break from our works, it became hours. We just could not get enough of each other. At the end, we just said, "hey, I wanna see you." We did not care anymore how often it was or who initiated it, we just wanted to be together. It would be easier if we were together in a single space, we could just do our activities with the other person on our side. 

Currently, I develop a new weird hobby, I like to look at him on Telegram. Looking at him online already made me happy. Knowing that he existed in the other part of the world and that he was using the same application as me.

God, it's hard. He is everything I want but he decided to left me for somebody else. 

Day 5: We Could Be Happy Together

After thinking all the negative possibilities, the positive always started to flow back. Can we give our relationship another chance? We were happy back then, aren't we? You became the highlight of my day with your weirdness, which I currently miss. We like to call each other names, my favorites are grumpy panda, handsome or rabbit since you have this black circle under your eyes for working late at night. You liked to call me cheesecake or beautiful. Initially, we were imagining a life together, a generic template on having a relationship but by time, it developed into a personalized version of our characters, which made me longing for more.

I think one of the hardest thing about moving on is to beat your own hope of having a beautiful life together. I want you to be happy ... but I want that happiness to be with me. 

It has been four days without you and I still want you.  

Day 4: Agency

What I am looking for from a man? Why was I attracted to him at the first place? I guess the first attraction was because he opened up since the first chat. But attraction won't work without chemistry, it became quite deep since he knew how to make me laugh. At the end of our relationship we already knew each other's routines and our interaction flew between our works. The only time we did not contact is when we had to work. But despite all the dance on how to synchronize our lives together, there was always something hidden, a hidden network that could change his mood in an instant. And this hidden network was also the one who brought us apart.

At the beginning, he convinced me that the process was not going to happen, but at the end, he couldn't resist it. Listening to his story, I am sure that I don't want to be part of something that does not care about my feeling. I am blessed with a loving family who put my happiness on their priority so I could not imagine myself being part of something where my agency as human being mean nothing for the sake of structure. So in a way, even if it's painful, I kind of dodging a bullet.

Time is really the key. I started to cook again. Yesterday, I gave a presentation about social network analysis, something that I have keen to do since a decade ago and got positive feedback. Next month, I am going to give another talk about it. I washed my clothes yesterday and remembered him a bit since he was the one who dealt with how to operate it at the beginning. But my urge to contact him has decreased. He started to become a part of problems in my life that made me question why my life is like it is. A kind of detachment which made me reflect more on life.

Day 3: Love as Addiction

Love is an addiction. Once you stop the connection with the person you love, your body will create a chemical reaction asking you to supply the substance. During my younger days, I was attracted with how opium influences the body. Strangely, some of my mentors tried it, so yeah, my attraction was totally justified based on my network. The interesting part of opium is the philosophy behind it that relates to Morpheus, the god of dream and sleep. I think love also works in that illusion, you dream about something ideal and you don't want to detach from that idealization, whereas in real life, love always has flaws. But as a substance, it gives you high where reality become blurry.

So I have been clean from the substance for more than 37 hours. A record that I want to add up until I manage to free from the longing to return to it. Yesterday, I was still a mess, my appetite was not returning, I left my room like a mess, could not work and at night, I was super tempted to break my 24 hours clean condition without him, but my dad texted me, so I was safe from repeating the cycle. 

The meaning of his name is Knight, an irony since he was the one who shattered me into pieces. I thought Knight should be able to protect the one he loves. Well, this is another wake up call that all of my imagination is an illusion, an imagination from the world of the Morpheus. 

Hopefully, I will get better soon. Cleaning my body from the substance completely.

Day 2: Allowing Myself to Grieve

Yesterday, I tried to do the no contact but failed miserably. I went to the supermarket and saw the salad he liked and I took a picture and sent it to him. I texted "I miss you" and tempted to do our regular video call before bed. Alhamdulillah, I managed to avoid the latter. My brain is broken, why do I want to be someone who does not want me? Irrational. But somehow, I can really imagine we live together. I think that's the worst thing about move on, you have to beat your own imagination and not the reality. The reality had given you all the information to convince you that he's not the one but your mind keeps on playing tricks on you. 

According to Mark, one YouTuber's love coach, to be able to break up, I have to list 10 things that I don't like about him. When I tried to do this exercise, what crossed my mind is that I hate that I love him. I hope this love thing can turn into past tense soon. 

The good thing is I managed to sleep although woke up several times. I lost my appetite as well, although I managed to force myself to eat. 

I tried to do rebound as well. Bad idea. I compared everyone with him and hate the whole process. 

I hope day 2 is more successful than day 1. 

Day 1: He's Getting Married With Someone Else

First day of breakup. I kept on repeating the mantra: 'he's getting married with someone else' over and over until my head could not think anymore. There was a constant urge to ask him to reconsider but I knew at the end, he would never pick me, it's never been it's never will be, so why prolong the pain. But giving up a routine was hard. I could not talk to him first thing in the morning, I could not share the little things I found during my days and I could not see him before I went to bed anymore. There was this hole in my days without him and the worst part was I could really imagine us being together. 

He had a strange way to make me laugh, with his witty jokes and weird sense of humor. Probably, that's the first thing that attract me to him. And even I knew that there was a chance of 60 percent to not be able to have him, I was willing to take the 40 percent chance because I had a strong feeling for him. I still love him. At some time, it's going to be a past tense but on the first day of break up, I still want him pretty bad. I know he is not going to fight for me, so this is for the best. But I still want him.

I hope I can be better soon. This morning I talked with friend for two hours. It helped, but living alone kind of making things more difficult.

I wish nothing bad for him. But I just want him to be mine and not with someone else.

I will be better. 

Hopefully soon.

Picture: sometimes the canal force water to follow a certain path that you hate. You have no way out.

Happy Birthday!

This time of the year where you reconnect with people you barely contact on daily basis. Sometimes, it feels nice but as a person who like to keep everything private, can be overwhelmed as well. But having a special day might be nice to reflect on many things, including many plans in life that seem far from target. As people say, c'est la vie, this is life, you just need to make the best of it, being grateful for having family, work with a nice atmosphere and the feeling of being in love.   

Be Kind

Sometimes, emotions get the best of you even if you try to be nice. Somehow, I always have this idea of the back of mind, guilty feeling for everything. I think being kind to yourself is one the hardest thing to do. You can reflect on people's reactions towards you, on whether you have been good or not, but you are not able to do it for yourself. Probably, that's why I have the tendency to fall for the broken one. Their selfness attracted me, although it will also be the one that ends the relationship. But that's how a nice love story always ends, right? Tragic. You need a good portion of sadness to make it memorable. 

This is not how I want my love to be, but sometimes, you don't have an option. Maybe, what has written is that both of your lives need to intersect for something else instead of colliding into one another. Maybe, it's the illusion that makes it hard. Reflecting on another case, I wouldn't fall for someone who cut his ties with sibling due to an illusion. I just don't have respect to that type of person. But again, people have their own stories and I always try my best to not judge, as long it doesn't interfere my life. 

Falling in love is everyone's right. What matter is how we deal with it, how to turn that feeling into a positive energy that can make us a better person.