What I am looking for from a man? Why was I attracted to him at the first place? I guess the first attraction was because he opened up since the first chat. But attraction won't work without chemistry, it became quite deep since he knew how to make me laugh. At the end of our relationship we already knew each other's routines and our interaction flew between our works. The only time we did not contact is when we had to work. But despite all the dance on how to synchronize our lives together, there was always something hidden, a hidden network that could change his mood in an instant. And this hidden network was also the one who brought us apart.
At the beginning, he convinced me that the process was not going to happen, but at the end, he couldn't resist it. Listening to his story, I am sure that I don't want to be part of something that does not care about my feeling. I am blessed with a loving family who put my happiness on their priority so I could not imagine myself being part of something where my agency as human being mean nothing for the sake of structure. So in a way, even if it's painful, I kind of dodging a bullet.
Time is really the key. I started to cook again. Yesterday, I gave a presentation about social network analysis, something that I have keen to do since a decade ago and got positive feedback. Next month, I am going to give another talk about it. I washed my clothes yesterday and remembered him a bit since he was the one who dealt with how to operate it at the beginning. But my urge to contact him has decreased. He started to become a part of problems in my life that made me question why my life is like it is. A kind of detachment which made me reflect more on life.
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